I will be starting trouble here soon.
I have a new piece up on Mcsweeney’s.
It would do my old bones some good, if you would check it out.
Do you like local bike shops (sure you do! you are good people! everyone says so!)?
Here is something I wrote about Clark and Robert’s store.
I am a 36-year-old man, but I would like to compete against the toddlers for the tiaras — how do I go about doing this?
You will need to compete against people your own age.
As a 36-year-old man, will the toddler tiaras fit appropriately on my head or will I need to buy a special wig to wear them?
To our knowledge there is not a special wig to make tiaras fit heads.
I have a tense relationship with my mother—will this give me an advantage in the competition? Also, she is overweight, but still wears stretch fabrics —will this help?
Our scoring system does not award points for your dysfunctional relationship with your fat mother.
I have no identifiable talents — and sometimes feel that I have wasted my 36-year-old life. Can you recommend the toddler pageant best suited for me?
There are a variety of pageants across the nation. Explore them with the use of your internet. Lack of talent is the standard.
I tend to cry when I get a spray tan. Is this normal?
Toddlers tend to have different reactions to spray tans.
I cry less during the spray tan if I wear an adult-size speedo and cut-off Blink 182 t-shirt and not a bikini made for a toddlers. Do you recommend a particular Blink 182 shirt for such purposes?
We are not affiliated with any rock and roll bands.
In the swimwear portion of the competition, do you deduct points if the participant’s asshole is not shaved? Or his inner thighs?
There is no particular point deduction for that.
Click to see all the drunk babies I made you — with love. Lots of love. The wet kind.